it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So squirting runs in the family.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
