i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
