i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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