Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
