fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
birth control should be required to get into college
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
