um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
