Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
