I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
