Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I touched a dick in church today
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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