Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
