i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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