It's Friday. Sex?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
