Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
