my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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