So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
