Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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