2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize