Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize