these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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