New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
