i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
