How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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