ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
