Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
