On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
