Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
