So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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