they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
