i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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