No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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