I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
