He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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