Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
