I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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