All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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