You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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