Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
