sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
