I wish I only lived at night.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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