That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
