she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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