i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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