.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
