did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
