i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
