he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
