We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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