I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
