She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
