That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
