How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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