last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
