just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
