hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize