i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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