my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
