I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
