I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
