I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Randomize
