matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
